I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
