don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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