My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
