so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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