Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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