I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
