thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
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