then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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