I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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