he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
