my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
is it fun? or sober?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
