he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
