omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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