I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
