my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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