Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
