why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
