I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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