I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
this boner is exhausting
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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