Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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