So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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