ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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