I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
handjob tips. give me some.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
