That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
