Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
