You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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