his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
