is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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