I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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