i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I looked at my own cervix.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
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