Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
