Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
