My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
