Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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