Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
