Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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