i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
