Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you will always have a special place in my vag
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
