cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
