Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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