I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
