I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
