accomplished twins. life is a go
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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