I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
