Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
