just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Randomize
