i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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