drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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