I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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