Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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