remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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