hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
