I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
