I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
