I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
