holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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