There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
