tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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